Scaring off the Customers
by obeytherandomness
Summary: AU Prompt: "I don't know you but you're really hot and some conservative white lady just made a very loud and very rude comment about 'dirty bikers' and I can tell you don't wanna say anything and start a fight but god damn it I'll start a fight for you" Thilbo Bagginshield


Disclaimer any and all offensive things that Lobelia calls the bikers I found on the internet and I don't think that way at all.

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Lobelia Sackville-Baggins was a horrible, dreadful woman. At least that was the opinion of Bilbo Baggins…and everyone else in the Shire…and anyone else who had ever met the woman. She had a mouth on her that could insult even the most crude of men. The people of the neighborhood had taken to just ignoring her. Despite that, she still believed the world belonged to her and never hesitated to vent about her opinions to anyone unfortunate enough to be within her line of sight.

Today Bilbo was particularly vexed to find that she had decided to spend yet another day criticizing his very lovely café. She never stopped saying that it should belong to her husband, who was curiously almost always absent from her side and always looked miserable otherwise. She was currently sitting at the table in the corner of the room by the window and even that wasn't enough to silence her opinions. She would yell across the whole store if she needed to and wouldn't even stop when Bilbo was grinding coffee beans. Needless to say, Bilbo ground a lot more beans than he needed when Lobelia was around if only to drown out her annoyingly high pitched voice.

"Who on earth is that?!" Lobelia hissed. "Hoodlums?! Such disgusting clothes. I bet they're part of some gang. They'll kill you as soon as they look at you."

Bilbo glanced up from his bean grinding to see thirteen strangers pull up outside his store on rather large noisy bikes. He was not a big fan of those noisy things, but that didn't mean that he disliked the riders any. He just wasn't a fan of losing his hearing to the loud engine sounds.

"You better not let those gangsters into your store Bilbo Baggins! In fact you should tell them to leave before they scare away any of your customers."

Bilbo very calmly put down the towel he often kept on his shoulder and walked to the door. He could see out of the corner of his eye, Lobelia's smug look follow him out. The bikers looked up to the sound of the tinkling bell. Bilbo waited until all of them were looking at him. "I've been told you will scare away my customers if you come inside," he said, "so if you wouldn't mind chasing away a particularly dreadful woman I would be most grateful. I'll even throw in a cup of coffee for each of you. As a kind greeting to you."

"Bilbo Baggins!" Lobelia screeched, standing from her table with a clatter of Bilbo's antique chairs. Bilbo flinched and glanced at the chair. He paid good money for all of his beautiful furniture and it wouldn't be the first time that Lobelia had broken something. "Are you insane?! You don't know what you're doing. Your father would be scandalized to hear that you let these… these… these Hood Ornaments into your store! Tell them to go away immediately! No! You have no spine! You won't do it so I will! Leave all of you! It would be better if you were all road side bouquets. It would be much better for the roads than you ugly dirty bikers!"

The bikers stared on wide-eyed, looking quite uncomfortable to be told off by the small woman despite their rather massive size. Bilbo was polite enough to give the bikers some time to defend themselves, but they were obviously too polite or otherwise shell-shocked. He reached out, took Lobelia by the elbow and tugged her slightly to the side. "If you boys would go inside, I'll be back in a moment to make you some fresh coffee and whatever else you should like. I even have some fresh baked goods for you if you'd be willing to try some."

The bikers hesitated as Lobelia struggled in Bilbo's hold, cursing up a storm so great that even Mahal would blush. Finally the dwarf at the front of the group nodded, dismounted his bike, and walked inside followed by the rest of his large group. Bilbo feared for a moment that he wouldn't have enough seats for them, but he didn't want to think about that right now. He had a witch to deal with.

The last two, and probably the youngest of the group, laughed and gave Bilbo and his captive teasing looks before tripping over each other to join the rest of the group inside. Only when everyone was inside did he finally turn his attention to Lobelia Sackville-Baggins.

"Unhand me!" Lobelia screamed, drawing the attention of everyone in the little mom and pop grocery store across the way. Hamfast Gamgee, a rather old store owner who let almost nothing get to him, looked up from his newspaper only for a moment before returning to it. It was only a good thing that little Samwise still at school with Frodo or Lobelia Sackville-Baggins would get more than one earful.

Bilbo yanked Lobelia out of his store until she tripped and fell straight onto her bum. "Lobelia Sackville-Baggins," Bilbo said. His voice was low and his smile sweet, but anyone who knew better would see the anger in his eyes. The fire was so strong that even Lobelia shut up. The silence was more than Bilbo could have asked for, but not enough to calm his utter hatred for the woman. Never before had she been so utterly cruel as to wish death on another, though Bilbo was half sure she didn't know what she was actually saying, and Bilbo was officially done with listening to her awful words. "You are the most dreadful woman I have ever met. I have listened to you insult not only me, but my mother and father as well and I have dealt with it as it came. But I will not stand by as you wish death on anyone so you may leave my store and never return. Or I shall call the bounders to put you out next time."

"How dare you?!" Lobelia hissed, scrambling to her feet. "You can't just toss me out of the store like that! You will run this store into the ground if your treat your customers like that. Oh! How would Bungo Baggins react? He would be so ashamed! So ashamed! He'll be rolling in his grave right now. If only he had the good sense not to fall into bed with that Took woman."

Bilbo slapped the witch and she fell right off her feet again. Hamfast Gamgee stood from his place at the register, a gleam in his eye that not even Bilbo, who had practically grown up alongside the man, had ever seen before. The Gamgee family had always been very loyal to the Baggins family ever since they established their stores across from each other and he would not let that insult stand. It was probably a good thing, too, because Bilbo no longer thought that he could deal with this woman without some form of serious injury. More than likely to her.

"It's time for you to leave," Hamfast said, helping the woman to her feet rather a bit more rough than strictly necessary. "Why don't you go inside and tend to your guests," he said to Bilbo. "I'll take care of this one for you so don't you worry about a thing."

Bilbo nodded. "Thank you Hamfast," he said over her curses at the man who had the audacity to touch her. "That's very good of you."

"Nothing to worry about," Hamfast said with a wave of his unoccupied hand.

Bilbo waited only a moment for Hamfast to start dragging Lobelia Sackville-Baggins down the road before he did an about-face and stomped right back in his store. Bilbo Baggins was not one to show anger publicly, but when he got to the point that he couldn't hide it anymore, Bilbo's kitchen was always there for him. He went right to it now, forgetting all about the thirteen bikers still waiting in the café. To the side of his kitchen underneath all his nice china was a set of ugly dining ware that he had gotten when he first moved out of his parent's place and he took one now and threw it straight on the ground. Bilbo flinched at the horrible sound of shattering and took note that he would soon need to replace his shatterware, but he felt a lot better now.

"Do you think we should go?" someone in the dining room asked.

"I think we probably should," replied a gruff voice that made Bilbo shiver. It had been so long since Bilbo had ever heard a voice like it. The last time anyone had made Bilbo react in such a way was when he was still dating the jerk named Smaug with such a lovely voice.

"Aw!" said the first voice again. "I really wanted something sweet."

Now that wouldn't do at all. Bilbo quickly went into his warming cupboard and pulled out his tea stands filled with plenty of different sweet treats. His usual customers would be upset with him for taking them out a little earlier than normal, but he still had several baked treats in the oven with a little bit longer to go and they would be enough for everyone. He stacked a couple of his nicest tea stands on his favorite tea cart filled with all his best pastries. One of its fore wheels, which looked more like it would fit on a small carriage, had a squeak that always alerted his customers that he was returning with a whole lot of sweet treats.

The bikers stood frozen in his dining area as he rolled the cart through the swinging doors. More than one of them was in the middle of putting on their leather jackets and Bilbo noticed the symbol of a dragon wrapped around a mountain on each of their backs as well as the word's Erebor's Dwarves.

"You weren't leaving already?" Bilbo asked as though he didn't over hear them saying just that. "I haven't even gotten the chance to pay you back for scaring off that horrible Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. She's truly a dreadful woman and I'm sorry that you had to deal with her today. no one should really be subjected to her if it can at all be avoided you know. And just to make up for it I have even brought out the best of my pastries for everyone to share. I've got a great majority so hopefully I'll have something to please everyone here. It's first come first serve of course, but I do still have some in the ovens that won't be out for a little bit. I also have a nice cup of coffee in this tall tea pot and in the shorter tea pot there is, I must say, the best hot chocolate this side of Bree. I also have a couple of different teas, though this midsize one has today's special, which is jasmine tea. Of course, you can order anything else you want from the menu if none of these drinks are to your liking. I did offer one free drink to each of you so help yourself."

The bikers continued to stare at him for several moments before they slowly sat back down again on his eclectic antique furniture. Bilbo thought that he would just let them do whatever they would like, he did accidentally forcefully call them into his store after all, so he went back to his counter to bag up all the beans that he had been grinding and to do a little cleaning besides. It didn't take long for the man with the gruff voice to finally approach him. "Are you sure it is okay for us to take some of your pastries? We do have the money to pay," he said. He was just as attractive as his voice would suggest. His long black hair with strands of gray was pulled back in his ponytail and he had just enough scruff on his face to be considered a respectable beard. He had to be at least 6' 2", quite a height compared to Bilbo's own 5' 7", and his muscles were well defined compared to Bilbo's plump figure. He was everything that Bilbo like in a man and everything that he didn't have in his tall, lanky ex. It was also the type of man who normally wouldn't spare Bilbo a second glance.

"Nonsense," Bilbo smiled. "As I said, you scared off that dreadful woman."

"We didn't do anything," the man said. "In fact, it was you who stood up for us. It's not often that we get someone on our side."

"Nonsense," Bilbo said again. "Lobelia Sackville-Baggins got what she deserved. I've been wanting to kick her out since early this morning. Not only did you give me a reason to kick her out today, you've also given me a reason to banish her from my shop from now on. It'll make everyone happier, I assure you."

"Uncle Thorin," said one of the youngest two boys. He had the same color hair as his uncle, but was taller and more lean and he also had the eyes of someone that Bilbo was sure laughed often. He was calling attention to a rather frail looking old lady who was rushing down the street after she had peered into Bilbo's shop window.

"Maybe we should leave," Thorin said, prompting everyone to stand once again despite the plates of unfinished pastries before them.

"Are you in so much of a hurry that you can't even finish your sweets before you go."

"We wouldn't want to get you in trouble," Thorin said.

"Oh," Bilbo said. "Don't you worry about Grandma Took. She probably just went to get the Thain."

"The Thain?" Thorin asked.

"Oh yes," Bilbo replied. "I forget sometimes that we call our mayor something different than everyone else."

"Then we really should leave before he comes."

"Nonsense," Bilbo waved him off. "There's plenty of seating for everyone. Though, now that you mention it, I should probably see if I can scrounge up a few more tables and chairs. It's almost tea time you know."

"Right?" Thorin said confusedly. He obviously didn't know what tea time meant for Bilbo's café and Bilbo meant to warn him, but before he could Grandma Took burst through the door with the Old Took close behind.

"Bilbo Baggins!" she gasped. The bikers froze once more, but Grandma Took was not yet done. "How could you start Tea Time early? And without telling me?"

"I only just took out the pastries to greet my guests," Bilbo said, walking around the counter to give Grandma Took and her husband a great big hug. "Don't worry, I put some extra pastries in the oven so I'm sure there'll be plenty for everyone."

"Well I suppose that I will forgive you this time," Grandma Took said. "I'm sure your grandpa will be willing to help you get some extra seating for everyone." The old Took nodded. "But before you go, tell me what today's special tea is."

"I've made Jasmine today," Bilbo said. "Nothing too special I'm afraid, but sometimes plain is the best. There are plenty of my best and sweetest pastries to make up for it."

"Oh shush," Grandma Took said. "Everything you make is absolutely perfect. Now you run off and grab that extra seating before everyone arrives. The boys will be walking this way already and you don't want to disappoint them."

Bilbo gave his grandma a kiss on the cheek before hurrying with his grandpa to the back room where he kept his extra antiques for when he got bored of his current seating arrangement and wanted to change things around.

"Is there anything I can help with?" Thorin asked, somehow looking both overly confident and nervously out of his element. Bilbo had no idea people could actually accomplish both, but apparently this dwarf had mastered it long before now because he looked like he wasn't even trying.

"This won't take long," Bilbo called back. "Just sit down and enjoy your pastries. You too Grandma." He didn't hear Grandma Took's response as the door closed behind him, but he was sure that she had intended to without his coaxing.

It took Bilbo several trips to get enough seating for everyone to be satisfied that he had enough and a few more to get enough dishware. Then another couple of trips to pull the rest of the pastries out of the ovens and roll them out on another of his tea carts. Each time he returned there were more people in his dining area conversing with the "dirty bikers" who would "scare away" all his customers. Take that Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, Bilbo smirked as he returned to his place behind the counter. Everyone was already sitting with their pastries before them and the dollar jar was filling up with the a dollar for each pastry taken. Tea time was just like happy hour in bars and the like where everything that Bilbo sold was on a rather nice sale and all of his pastries were sold with a trust that people would pay for them. Lobelia Sackville-Baggins had, of course, taken more than her fair share on more than one occasion, but Bilbo honestly didn't care to correct her.

Some of the dwarves looked more than a little confused and out of their elements, but the people of the Shire were very good at welcoming everyone no matter who they were. Grandma took was even regaling one of the older dwarves of a time when she once wanted to get herself a motorcycle. "But when I told my dear Old Took, he said I was too old for one. Can you believe it?"

"Is it always like this?" Thorin asked, startling Bilbo from his people watching. He hadn't even seen the man approaching his counter.

"Of course not," Bilbo giggled. "Only during tea time. It's usually rather quiet in here otherwise."

"I see," Thorin nodded slowly, but it was quite obvious that he was the most out of his element out of everyone.

"Don't like big crowds?" Bilbo asked with a teasing smile.

"No!" Thorin said suddenly. It apparently took him a moment more to realize that Bilbo was only teasing him because he almost immediately blushed. "I mean…I'm fine with crowds. I'm just not used to being so welcomed."

Bilbo didn't get a chance to respond before the door burst open again and four small children came tumbling in. "Who are all these people Uncle Bilbo?" asked Bilbo's cousin Frodo as his best friend Samwise nodded his head beside him. The young lad was still very young, much younger than Bilbo, so he was prone to calling Bilbo his uncle even though his mother Primula was Bilbo's mother's baby sister. It made the most sense anyway, since Primula was actually younger than Bilbo by a few years anyway. Frodo's mother and father followed close after with Hamfast beside them.

"Are those bikes outside?" asked Pippin who jumped up and down on his feet. It seemed that it was only Merry's hand holding his that was keeping him in his place.

"You won't be going anywhere near those things," called Grandma Took.

"We aren't going to hurt them," said Gloin who had just been talking about his own young boy. Apparently the lad was finally old enough to get a mountain bike and Gloin was already planning on buying him a rather nice one for his coming birthday. He apparently loved children.

"Oh don't misunderstand," Grandma Took said, swatting Gloin's shoulder. "I'm looking out for your bikes by keeping those little troublemakers away. There's no knowing what those two will do if you take your eyes off them. And don't you be fooled by the other two either. Normally they're nice enough boys, but sometimes they can get pulled into Merry and Pippin's trouble and there's no knowing what could happen. That Frodo in particular can have a pretty devious mind if he really wants to."

Bilbo tuned out his grandma. She was a rather outspoken woman, quite the opposite of her quiet husband, and was likely to talk nonstop if she was given the chance. Bilbo enjoyed her conversation, but he had other things to attend to. "Hamfast," he said with a smile. The older gentleman always closed for a short time during tea time to join everyone so no one would expect him to be there now. "I've kept an extra pastry just for you. It's your favorite of course. As thanks for your help this afternoon." Hamfast nodded and gave his thanks as he took the pastry as well as his normal massive cup of coffee.

"It seems that you have a very quaint place," Thorin said, obviously trying and failing at a compliment. It made Bilbo giggle. He wasn't used to people being nervous when they talked to him, but it was rather cute.

"Oh Hamfast!" said Mrs. Cotton as she hurried through the door with little Rosie on her tail. "Don't let me forget that I need to get another carton of eggs from you today. Rosie had her first attempt at baking last night and I'm afraid more of my eggs wound up on the floor than in the bowl. It's a surprise that we had enough for the cake at all."

Everyone laughed and Rosie pouted at being the center of everyone's ire, so Bilbo was quick to lean over and catch her attention. "How did it taste then?" Bilbo asked.

"It was chocolate!" Rosie said, not answering Bilbo's question at all. "I love chocolate."

"So do I!" Bilbo grinned. "It's my favorite."

"Me too!"

"Well then," said Bilbo, "if you promise me a bite of your next cake I'll tell you a funny secret."

"Okay," said Rosie, coming closer so as better to hear.

"You have to promise," Bilbo said, his voice low as though this was truly a secret that no one could know.

"I promise," Rosie said solemnly.

"I still burn all of my cooking," Bilbo said. It actually wasn't uncommon knowledge that Bilbo was honestly a very horrible cook despite his amazing baking skills. In fact, he was invited to other's houses more often than not for dinners because everyone said that he would starve otherwise.

Rosie giggled and went back to her mother to tell her about this new knowledge that she had learned. Bilbo wasn't insulted. He knew that young children of her age didn't truly know the meaning of keeping a secret. He hadn't really meant for it to stay a secret anyway.

"I always thought that people who were good at baking were just as good at cooking," Thorin said.

Bilbo laughed. "Cooking and baking are completely different things. And I'm only good at one of those."

Thorin opened his mouth to say something else, but they were once again interrupted as Mr. Proudfoot and Mrs. Proudfoot walked through the door. "The usual," he called before pausing as he finally noticed how unusually crowded the whole area was.

"It's already waiting for you by the chair with the ottoman," Bilbo said. Everyone knew that Proudfoot always took that chair and it was lucky that none of the dwarves had taken either it or the seat next to it that was reserved for his wife. "You're a little later than usual today. Was there something that happened."

"Oh nothing important," said Mrs. Proudfoot.

"She couldn't find her parasol," Mr. Proudfoot gruffed as he made his way to his seat to prop up his feet.

"It's the only one that goes with this dress!" Mrs. Proudfoot complained. She was no longer a young woman, but that did not keep her from making sure that she was in fashion at all times. There was never an outfit that she wore that was in anyway out of place or mismatching.

"CAN I MAKE YOU DINNER!" Thorin yelled over the sounds of the crowd. Suddenly everything went quiet and everyone, including Bilbo, stared at the biker with wide eyes. "I mean… You were so nice to us. I'd like to make you dinner tonight, if you don't have any plans of course. Just the two of us. I mean, if that's okay with you."

"I'd love too," Bilbo said before Thorin could go into a full blown rant. There was a chorus of Oooo's from the adults and Ew's from the kids as well as more than a little bit of teasing from both the bikers and the townspeople. This would be the talk of both groups for a long time to come. Lobelia Sackville-Baggins would not be happy to learn that she had been the catalyst for Thorin and Bilbo's meeting, which would eventually lead them to getting married.

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This is an AU that I found on tumbler from dailyau a long time ago, which was made by creative-reblogging, and I only just now got around to writing it. Hope you guys enjoy it. ^_^


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